I know what you’re thinking. Another mom photographer about to get all mushy about her kids and why they’re her inspiration and the reason she does what she does. And how being a mom is the best job ever. And you imagine me saying all that in a sing-song voice, bubbling over with happiness.
Nope. Not today folks. That ain’t me.
Now before you get all up in a tizzy thinking I don’t love my kids, or being a mom, or that I have other priorities before them, that’s not what I’m saying. But I am about to get real up in here.
First things first, I do love my kids. Until I had kids, I didn’t know this type of love was possible. It’s different than loving a family member, or a close friend, or the love I have for my husband. I truly believe being a parent is the best way to scratch the surface in understanding God’s love for us. That unconditional, pure love. Nothing my kids ever do, or don’t do, will make me not love them. Ever.
With that being said, I don’t always love being a mom.
Whoa, did she really just admit that?? Yup, I sure did! But don’t give up on me just yet…
Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I funded all of my adventures in high school by babysitting. I loved kids, and even wanted to be a teacher at one point. I dreamed of getting married and starting our own family, and being the best mom ever. And I assumed part of being a mom, was absolutely loving the job. Because if you don’t love it, why do it? Right? Well, here’s what I didn’t understand when I was younger. Being a mom is the opposite of easy. It’s down right hard. And then take that hard, and quadruple it 100 times, and you still aren’t even close to describing exactly how hard it is.
About a year after I got married, I found out I was pregnant, and we were over the moon! We couldn’t believe it! 10 weeks later I miscarried and we were left heartbroken and confused. This was my first taste of how hard being a mom actually was, and I wasn’t even a mom yet. And yet I wanted it even more.
It took almost a year, some minor medical intervention, and a whole lot of negative pregnancy tests, before I got pregnant again. And after the first trimester, I was convinced I’d never EVER want to do that again. But I did. 3 more times. And it. was. hard.
Getting pregnant was always hard. Being pregnant was hard. Being a new mom was hard. Being a not new mom was hard. Nursing, hard. Deciding to switch to the bottle, hard. Sleepless nights, hard. Sick kids, hard. Toddlers and temper tantrums, hard. Disciplining, hard. Kids with attitudes, hard. Back talking and disrespect, hard. Making time for yourself, hard. Making time for your marriage, hard. And, to top it all off, the WORST part about being a mom, is the self doubt and constant worry that I am most likely screwing my children up in every way possible. That I am doing it ALL wrong. And I don’t even have teenagers yet!
However, while being a mom is the absolute hardest job I could ever imagine, for oh so many reasons, I still love my kids, unconditionally, and without any hesitation. Even when they’re being absolute punks (which feels like 95% of the time) the love never goes away. Not for a second.
So how is it possible that I don’t always love being a mom?
Well, when you look at being a mom as an actual job, there’s really no way to 100% completely love every part of that job. All those reasons being a mom is hard, I don’t love those parts! Find me one mom that actually LOVES a good temper tantrum from her two year old, the entire time she’s grocery shopping.
BUT, when you look at being a mom as a gift, the only thing I feel for that gift is love and gratitude. There is absolutely nothing that compares to the gift of motherhood. It is sweet, and precious, and humbling. But, there is some serious responsibility attached to that gift. And that responsibility is what makes the job hard.
So, I do love my kids, and I love being a mom, but I also don’t. And if you’ve made it this far, that totally makes sense.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you amazing moms that I wish I could be more like! Enjoy the ride, even if you don’t love it all the time! And a special Happy Mother’s day to MY mom! She’s one incredible mom. And grandma.
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